Katys Blog

Florence + The Machine

confession…

I don’t know how to be myself.

I don’t know how to say I love you.

I don’t know how to love.

I’m moody.

I have liked the same boy since NHS inductions last year.

I’ve done stuff I regret.

I’ve gotten in a car wreck.

I’ve gotten a ticket.

I have trust issues. (Like I trust too easily)

I’m judgemental.

I’m superficial.

I hate Wednesdays.

I love Mondays.

My Favorite thing is waking up in the middle of the night and just laying there, comfortable in bed.

I love the smell of Japanese Cherry Blossom for me.

I miss my grandma. 

She died when I was in 8th grade.

I aspire to be perfect.

My mom and I fight a lot.

My dad and brother Mark are my best friends.

I’m jealous….really jealous.

I love giving people presents for no reason.

I want to make a difference.

I love Jesus.

I’m not a very good Christian example.

I’m not a very good example at all.

I’m spoiled. And a brat.

I’m selfish.

If I know all this how can I still not know who I am and what I was meant for. I feel like I live every day striving to be perfect and the best…

To What End.

Gavin Degraw

And I thought things couldn’t get any worse. Then I got in a wreck. I’m not saying my life is hard and I’m not saying I have more problems than anyone else. Compared to most, my problems are miniscule. The thing is though. I’m weak. God says he won’t give us any more than we can handle. He knows I’m almost at the point where I can’t handle anymore. On top of all that? This is AP test week, and I have to go try to be flawless around my brother’s stupid girlfriend just because I have to. Oh and (hopefully) I’m spending the day next Saturday with a lot of people I need to impress. That means I have to be fabulous. All day. I’m just drained. 

I am, however, excited to go to Denton because I can sleep the whole way. And miss school. And see my brotherrr :) And get out of this hole that I call Clear Lake.

So. I’ve decided this summer I want to become a cultured young woman. Watch Audrey Hepburn and read philosophy. Oh and tan. And work so I can make money. Pretty much become who I’ve wanted to be since I realized I can be whoever I want.

Perfect

Put-Together

Fierce

and

Fabulous. 

Done and Done.

Gavin Degraw

Yes it randomly came on. But… It’s only fitting.

I only have one big fear. Being void of joy. 

I’ve felt happiness, I’ve felt excitemnt and fufillment but the only time I’ve felt legitimate joy was after a good show. I don’t know how to move on from that…. It’s scary. No. It’s the most scary thing I’ve ever felt in my life. Worse than thinking that there’s a murderer in my room because I know with God, there is always joy. But here, on Earth? I feel it with every good catch and all the pain of a cold saber. What happens when I turn 21 though? What happens if I never make a guard again? I don’t care if you think it’s shallow or whatever because it means something to me.

And I’m tired of this bull shit “if you loved it enough it wouldn’t matter where you did it.” Obviously I love it. When I got hurt freshman year? I seriously cried for a month after because I didn’t know if I would even SPIN AFTER THAT. Spinning with Clear Brook, being in that enviorment takes the joy away just as much as if I would quit forever. I can’t do it. I just can’t. 

UGHHHHH

I’m stuck.

Goo Goo Dolls.

Can I be honest?

Can I really be honest with people?

I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want to sleep because when I feel like this the only thing I fear are my dreams.

I’ve decided I’m naming my blog posts whatever i’m listening to at the moment i title it sooo…. Blackout by Breathe Carolina… :)

So. Yesterday I said people are going to talk and i’m going to lose friends and everything. I still believe that’s true and if I didn’t I’d be crazy, but that doesn’t help it hurt less. It’s like this bittersweet memory. You see them in the halls and remember ohmygosh we used to be best friends and talk all the time and you won’t even look at me for something I didn’t do. That’s what I hate the most. Things I didn’t do. It’s one thing if I’m talking bad, or killed your grandma (is it bad I just laughed at that?) or something, but if It’s something you think I did? I understand it still hurts for you but COME ON! We used to be best friends so why are you believing homegirl who we know talks crap all the time? Meh. It’s irritating. You were the one I could talk guard to for hours and hours and write shows and ideas with and would NEVER get tired. You were who I actually wanted to take with me to Phantom and Crown and I wanted YOU to come after me and now? You’re just as bad as the rest of them. You’re sneaky and caniving and MEH! :(:( 

I miss you Starrlita best friend.

Well this sucks.

On another note…. I REALLY like B. It’s funny how much I don’t recognize it until I’m alone with my thoughts, or even around him. It’s like…. I can even explain it. I don’t know what but…  ya. Well poo. This sucks. I hate legitimately liking someone. At least I’m admitting it to myself I guess. Right?

Oh, and I have AP tests this week and next. :(

And my brother graduates Saturday and I have to hang out with his BITCH of a girlfriend.

Annnnnd…. I just don’t feel good. You know when you get that like… void? Inside? Ya… That’s how I feel. That meaningless sensation. No, I’m not going to kill myself guys. It’s  more out of boredom than anything. Nothing new. No new….

Shows

Relationships

Cities

Classes

Challenges

LIFE IS MONOTONES!

I’m done.

….

again ;)

anthonayofftheheezay:

Oh, please do (: